English Lessons

Women's English:

  • Yes = No
  • No = Yes
  • Maybe = No
  • I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
  • We need = I want
  • It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  • Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
  • We need to talk = I need to complain
  • Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
  • I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  • You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  • You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
  • I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
  • Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  • I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
  • Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
  • How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
  • I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
  • Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
  • You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
  • Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him, dipwad.

The answer to "What's wrong?":

  • The same old thing = Nothing
  • Nothing =Everything
  • Everything = My PMS is acting up
  • Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

Men's English:

  • "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
  • "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
  • "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
  • "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
  • "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
  • "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
  • "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
  • "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
  • "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
  • "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
  • "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
  • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
  • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
  • "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
  • "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
  • (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
  • "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

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