Facts Of Life
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Isn't monogamy the same thing?
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Son: Is it true Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
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